I'll be 29 in less than two weeks....and what do I have to show for it? A Mansquatch, 3 jobs, friends, a baking business that I wish I had more time for and daydreams. I'm lucky though.....I have love. The gratitude that I have for those in my life is amazing. The love I have for those is what keeps me pushing....in ways that they will never be able to understand. I realize more and more everyday that I am made for something different than what the normal world has to offer. But I mean fuck...what exactly is normal anymore? But that's the way I feel. My thoughts. Is normal just paying your bills? Living paycheck to paycheck...just trying to make it by? Being hassled to death by politicians wanting you to give them money. You know you're getting old when you can't listen to rap music anymore when you're writing. Apparently I've switched to an Indie-pop 2014 compilation, slightly being help captive by my Mansquatch's studio-time. He said he was working on graphics first, then working on beats....but apparently he has switched his efforts and my ad.d. is being led astray by his thumpings. Boom ba boom ba boom booom ba ba ba ba ba ba booom! I'm not mad though...even though he jacked my desk-chair from my office for his studio....ok...may be I'm regretting that now...even though I could go ask him to bring it upstairs and I know that he would...straight-away....it's slightly comforting...feeling his thumps through my feet...it's a different kind of love-making. Creative love-making. Oh how creative it is. I can tell you now, as an adult, being completely open about what you like with your lover is a very important thing. Tell your partner what turns you on...trust me...if you tell them and it doesn't freak them out...you gotta keeper...if not..there really are plenty of fish in the sea...or plenty of people on earth....whatever.
I can also tell you that amazing things will happen if you believe in them. Self-discovery is an amazing thing. Embracing the fact that it's ok to not like certain people, and it's alright to have an opposing opinion, it's just all about how you address it. I prefer to speak with intelligence and not stoop to insults. Ok....maybe some fuck-you's from time to time...most of which I say to giant corporations that I'm sure could give a fuck less about some foul-mouthed girl from the Westside of Cincinnati-living-in-Minneapolis spouting off on Facebook. Ok...some of this Indie-pop is getting to be too much...classical music it is. Mr.Mozart you're next. Don't let me down. Oh yes, God bless the Requiem in D Minor. Classical music is so powerful. If anything ever was epic....like for real epic....it's classical music. Those dudes knew what was going on.Ok...I kind of got off track there....I just prefer classical music now if I'm writing with music. I can still feel those thumps too....damnit. What can I say? My life is interesting. I share my day to day making it by with the hiphop Gambit of my life, I'm the Rogue that screams with pain that only I can feel. But not really screaming on the outside. Real love is the other person seeing you true-side and them not running for their life, arms-flailing, heading for the hills while screaming "THIS CRAZY BITCH!!!!!!!". Oh my goodness....a trumpet just started blaring in my right hear and I totally thought,"now what is this dude doin with that trumpet"...realizing it's my trumpet...but I can definitely hear the hand-claps from his speakers through the same ear. That;s distracting...only because I'm a sucker for hand-claps on a beat. Love me some mutha-fuckin hand-claps! And snare....and kickdrum....lots of percussion....strings are tight....FUCK! The mixture of caffeine, Mozart and handclaps are making my mind go wild! I'm rocking in the bent-by time dining room chair, trying to focus, possibly sound like I'm fool of wisdom but instead I'm amazed at the fact that I didn't let myself crash, instead sat my ass down and decided to spew some words through my finger-tips and see what happened, see if my office/barista/caterer/baker-hands still work after days of me pimping them out for money. Subjecting this identifying finger-tips to germs from the unknown, unseen auras crowding my own...rubbing my chakras like parasites on an unwilling host, but yet, I must be friendly, take it like a good corporate consumer. Keep the wheel turning...well I'm a wild fucking hamster that is sick of the muthafuckin wheel. You could connect all those plastic tubes together and it would NOT BE ENOUGH for this hamster. I am not a hamster....although I'm sure a certain sex-pose I do could be called that. ;) This is a grown-up blog and I will not censor myself simply because I'm a woman and that's unladylike. I fart around my boyfriend, and he laughs, and he farts, and I laugh...unless it's in the bedroom....it lingers....and he don't play that dutch-oven shit...that's a good way to not get laid that night. He's my best friend. I thank the Universe everyday for bringing that man into my life....the one who isn't running away screaming. Ok....now I am ready to crash...but this is my promise to write more...do what makes me the happiest....OH SHIT I THINK THIS PIECE WAS ON THE LION KING!!!! OMG!!!!! RIGHT WHEN SIMBA SEES HIS DAD DEAD!!!! OMG!!!!!! MY MIND IS BLOWN RIGHT NOW!!! I KNEW DISNEY WAS ON BUT MOZART?!!!!! Woah. I gotta calm down...ok...so yeah...I'm going to do what makes me the happiest. I'm totally free-style writing right now...was the whole time...I won't apologize for erratic writing, besides, you've been reading it this whole time. If you're mad at anyone...be mad at yourself. But thanks for reading anyways. I do think I am definitely going to crash though....but realize this....the stage is mine.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Brady suggested that I title a blog as such......our evening meet-up is usually spent of me blathering on about my hellacious work-day as an assistant property manager. I used the "stressed to the 9's" wording and he immediately said....."that's a blog-post"....so I'm gonna run(type) with it. Like I said...I'm an assistant property manager. Myself and my co-worker/teammate/1st in command try the best we can at wrangling a 460 unit property consisting of over 1,000 residents, 5 maintenance-techs, 15 caretakers, 10 corporate office/3 leasing members and on average 7-10 daily vendors.....and I can't keep track of how many times that my desk-phone rings and how many times that I answer a buzzer to let people in.....(seriously, I've tried to keep a record...was not even happening). I can't even remember what I was going to rant about.....I know it was pertaining to my job. But I feel like my mind is in an emotional-repair state...survivor-mode has kicked in and it's almost like my thoughts of the work day are evaporating.....or could that just be the exhale of my cigarette, soothing my nerves, killing me softly. Regardless, my day was intense.
I'm not good at holding in my opinion, especially in a case of injustice. The scales must be even, I am Libra....hear me roar. Imbalance truly affects me. Unfairness is a killer of happiness, and I'm shielding myself in the best way possible, trying to make everyone else happy while losing myself. I am not ashamed to say that I have been prescribed anti-depressants before because some wounds just don't heal, but I do not appreciate the effects of them, so I medicate herbally instead. Wanna judge me for cannabis consumption? Go ahead....I honestly do not care. A "substance" that has been medically proven to alleviate physical and mental pain. Since I received my promotion a little over a year after working in the leasing office and traveling to other properties as a "filler", I have focused so much on my job that I quit writing, quit making art, gained weight, stock-piled laundry, formed clutter everywhere, and have cried more times that I have in the past ten years. Shit's getting real.
Thank God for Janelle Monae.....I'm a Queen too....and my scepter is rising....faster than slower.